I certainly don’t help matters with my “”This Is Why I Hate” series of posts usually video’d from the POV of me on my bike. I’ve “hated” on mopeds, FedEx, bicyclists, motorists, and boy have I been hated on in return.

Now if you know me, you know that one of the few things I hate is hate. But of course those on the YouToobz, they don’t know me. And whether they’re self-righteous or just good ol’ knuckle-draggers they can get pretty inflamed — especially when I push their buttons.

So you can imagine my surprise when instead of the usual “Get the fuck off the road, Lance!” I found this rather reasoned and articulate reaction from user “simplecreativity” to my “This Is Why I Hate: Fedex” post:

Don’t you think this is a bit much? You hate FedEx because they happen to employ some inconsiderate drivers? Welcome to the world, good sir. This is like me saying I hate people who own Fords because someone in a Ford cuts me off on the road. Take it easy. And while you’re at it, slow down. I bet it wouldn’t have been nearly so threatening if, in the great span of time you had before getting there, you applied the brake.

Relax. Not everything is cause for throwing around the word “hate”. Jeez.

I was actually quite impressed that he resisted the urge to just call me a fucktard or a douchebag (as so many other trollios have on that post), and in cordial response I commended him:

Excellent and intelligent argument, sc (accept for that incorrect assumption that I was somehow speeding on my bike, but I can forgive that mistake). For what it’s worth I used “hate” not because I actually hate, but because its such a loaded word. Somewhere on the Youtubes I even have a vid about “hating” cyclists! Cheers.

Did it stop there? Of course not. The fun had only started and it rapidly sped downhill in the ensuing back and forth (laid out after the jump) until he couldn’t help but demonstrate his hate (no quotes) by calling me a jackass and an asshole and cite the hate-filled comments of all the other mouth-breathing trolls as proof of why he was right and I was beyond help.

Tiring of the folly, I respectfully requested he quit while he’s behind fighting a battle he couldn’t win. When that didn’t happen I then asked him semi-politely a second time, and when again he continued his ranting I was left to the inevitable task of blocking him. Good times.

simplecreativity: It’s a loaded word that’s used far too often, in my opinion. You could convey the same generalization and stereotype FedEx employees to the same degree by saying, ‘FedEx Drivers Can’t Drive!” or something to that effect. You don’t need to employ the ‘loaded’ word and perpetuate its overuse. Don’t use a word unless you mean it. My comments about speed didn’t indicate that you were driving unsafely, only that by going -even slower- you could have guaranteed your own safe passage.

Me: I’ll take your insistence that I modify myself to suit you better under advisement. And interesting… see what you did there? You totally absolved the driver from any responsibility of operating the vehicle safely in the first place and instead put it all on me to slow down and accommodate his irresponsibility. Don’tcha HATE it when that happens? Or would EXTREMELY DISLIKE be more suitable to you?

simplecreativity: And, my sister-in-law is a FedEx driver, and is a conscientious and careful driver. So, case in point, your one experience with a FedEx driver falling maybe thirty six or so inches short of a perfect parking job (that would have caused him to be crushing into that tree, as is quite obvious in your footage) doesn’t give you the right to generate a hateful and inconsiderate statement about FedEx as a whole.

Me: Let’s put aside what rights you insist I have or not. Because ahhhh, now I understand why it struck such a nerve — there’s family involved! But as to your latest assumption about what’s “quite obvious,” tough as it will be you’ll just have to take my word for it since I bike by that tree (and the countless Fedex/UPS/DHL/Whatever vehicles that park properly next to it) on a daily basis and you don’t: it’s not an obstacle. NEXT!?

simplecreativity: Broken laws or not, and regardless of who broke them, you have to modify your own behavior on the road to ensure your own and others’ safety. Even if he broke the law, you flew around it and made a jackass statement about hating FedEx, instead of slowly navigating around the side and slowing down in case someone was unexpectedly crossing in front of the truck (driver or pedestrian). I didn’t absolve the driver, either.

simplecreativity: I made a point, in fact, of calling them inconsiderate at one point. I agree that the way they parked isn’t legally correct, and it does, in fact, block your bicycle lane. But you know what? part of being a good driver/rider is being able to ADAPT and handle yourself in such a situation, rather than acting like a jackass and putting either yourself or others at risk. I’m 17 and somehow I seem to have a better grasp of how to behave as a driver than you do. That’s unsettling.

Me: sc, I appreciated your position initially, but now you’re just getting spiteful and tiresome and desperate. You type tough and proud but you’re just a righteous and indignant blowhard — and repetitive, too. I’d suggest at your young age you work harder to broaden your repository of insults to include variations on the term “jackass.” Might I recommend, “asinine” or “douchey” since that’s now how you’re acting.

Me: Redundancy aside, while it’s interesting you can hypocritically reference me and my actions as “jackass” while ironically taking great offense at my use of the word “hate,” it’s getting rather tedious. So bust out the thesaurus and bone up on alternates. Or better yet, just quit while you’re behind. Because unless you’re willing to spew what you’re spewing to my face — which you are not no matter how you migght insist than you’re just another in a long line of trolls.

simplecreativity: I fail to see where calling you a jackass twice for emphasis is anything like using the word hate. The fact that I only used the one word to insult was no doubt an indication of a grievous and unsettling lack of vocabulary and linguistic prowess, and surely you have demonstrated your superiority. However, you fail to address any of the arguments that I (albeit so, so poorly) made, which makes me think that maybe your only option now is to attack my structure rather than my logic. How pitiful.

Me: Thankfully you wasted no time getting to the operative word in your latest blahblah: FAIL.

simplecreativity: You also fail to provide any examples of my hypocrisy, which just further cements in my mind that you are floundering for defense in your claims of grammatical superiority rather than making an honest effort to defend your actions. Maybe it’s because you know you were just as wrong in your choices as you claim the driver was; or, perhaps it’s the result of an infantile and stubborn mind trapped in an adult body.

Me: And again: FAIL.

Me: I’m sorry, what was that? Oh: FAIL

Me: blahblahfailblahblah

simplecreativity: any realistic examples*

Me: Speaking of realistic examples, I lastly muster as much respect as I can for such an incessant display of arrogance and suggest in all sincerity that you once again quit since you’re either too geographically and/or constitutionally challenged to meet me in person as requested when I last asked you to put up or shut up. Short of that, it’s all just cheapshot keystrokes from a post-puber who I’d block if it wasn’t so much fun watching you fume.

simplecreativity: Spam your own video with comments all you want; I’m comfortable in the knowledge that mostly everyone else who has posted agrees with me, not you. Like I said, all you can do is attack the way I argue, not my arguments themselves. If you’re content to show everyone what a shockingly abrasive asshole you are, I’m content to let you do it. I was just making my point(s) and sharing my opinion. You’re the self-proclaimed superior adult who can only claim to win by attacking my age and methodology.

simplecreativity: Honestly, having just gone back and read everyone else’s comments, it looks like, as I said, mostly everyone else agrees with me (every person that posted directly related to the video and not FedEx in general, at least). Especially ’smokeddirky’, one of the first people you pursued for suggesting you acted just as inconsiderately and even more dangerously than the truck driver. Heavens forbid we say -you’ve- done anything wrong; as you’re on a bicycle, the world revolves around you, doubtless.

Me: Oh my gawd, simp! Now that I’ve blocked you it will give you a far better opportunity to get on with your life or just plain go get a life. So now that I’ve done you the favor of enabling you to put down the mouse and step away from the keyboard, pleasepleaseplease take this opportunity to open the nearest window or door to the outside world and go fling yourself into it.

You’ve probably figured out I can be a big manly man huff ‘n puff, stomp ‘n growl blowhard. What you may or may not now is I’m waaaaay in touch with my emotional side. As such before I was even a couple minutes into the vid I was shedding tears of joy over this, while simultaneously being envious at such wonderful creativity, and irrationally jealous at everyone who was a part of it either as a participant or spectator.

Sniffling afterwards, I even left the following comment on the vid’s YouTube page:

That was one of the most profoundly and beautifully celebratory things I’ve ever seen. Just miraculous and exuberant and unique and joyous and brilliant. BRAVO!

Your emotional connection may vary. But I’ll tell you what: If Susan and I ever renew our vows in a big church-set ceremony somewhere/time down the road some variation of this marvel is so on!

UPDATE (7.25): And yeah, prior to this video I never thought I’d ever be caught dead owning a Chris Brown tune, but now  I’m not ashamed to say this video made me purchase the single, “Forever,” off of iTunes — and I bet I’m not the only buyer. Brown oughta send the happy couple a wedding gift, for perhaps helping to revitalize his career.

UPDATE (7.27): Looks like embedding has been “disabled by request,” so if there’s trouble viewing it here, go here instead.

So basically if some anonymous blogger with full intent to defame and malign however baselessly or biasedly writes that someone  who we’ll call “Jonas Dough” is a “raging pedophile and serial killer” I am entirely under no obligation to verify and/or debunk or in anyway research such opinion and am at entirely protected liberty to reprint it verbatim as fact.

Not that I do much in the way of such ax-grindingly libelous and patently damaging garbage like that found in the above-mentioned post at Eater LA, but it’s really good to know I can if I want to.

And by “really good” I mean really lame.

And by really lame I mean that if this kind of full-assed, irresponsible reporting being condoned and allowed to stand by Eater LA’s overlords at Curbed Network simply because there is precedent to do so (and probably because the resulting increased traffic is a cha-ching) then the least I can do is wipe Eater LA’s sister site Curbed LA from my blogroll and delete my account as a commenter.

UPDATE (11:04 a.m.): Eater LA has offered the owners of the restaurant the opportunity to argue the unsubstantiated allegations presented in the post. That’s a bit like Salem giving its alleged witches the chance to argue against their guilt with nooses tightened around their necks.

It almost pains me to spell this out because it’s common fucking sense, but instead  of “equal time” after the defamation (while also leaving it live), the simple and proper and legitimate and fair and ethical action Eater LA should have taken would have been to use the “tipster” accusations as a springboard to contact the eatery’s owners and get their responses to them and then post a balanced item about it. But instead Eater LA and Curbed Network is condoning laziness and irresponsibility and doing so from behind the protection afforded this indecent section of a so-called Decency Act, while snickering as it reaps the benefits from the increased traffic the controversy has generated.

Gah. So I placed my first call to their customer service and provided them with a different card, which was all good until a day later I got another email that there were problems with that credit card and another request to update it. I was told to ignore that by the customer service rep. So I did.

Then on Monday, I got notice from Target that the card had been declined — this despite having gone through the multiple online and voicemail layers of fraud protection with the card’s bank, verifying that I had indeed authorized the charge. The last straw was one final unspecific email telling me there was a “problem” with my order and now there was a chance it wouldn’t arrive until June 25.

Honestly, having placed the order June 10, I hadn’t expected the furniture  to arrive any early than June 19 — three days after our 4th anniversary — but now June 25!? Oh hell no. So I placed my second call to their customer service to cancel the debacle outright and — par for the course — I was told it was too late to cancel… even though it hadn’t shipped yet. The best they could do was put in a request to cancel and hope it got there in time. If it didn’t my only recourse was to refuse delivery and go through that bother of getting the charge reversed off my credit card.

Of course, the order cancelation didn’t hit and the product shipped so I girded myself for possibly having to take the day off work potentially 10 days down the road to stand before the delivery truck and say “Take back that hell from whence it came!”

Only some how, some way, a miracle happened. The package — all 200 pounds of it — was delivered yesterday and left on the side of the house:

I’m not sure if Target cracked the whip and pushed the delivery company to get it here ASAP, but I’m pretty sure designating it as “OK to leave without signature” was a tactic to make it impossible to refuse and that much more of a burden to return. Tricky.

But all’s well that ends well. Like Sisyphus this morning I rolled the big ass box into the backyard, where most likely this weekend one of my projects will be assembling it.

Happy Anniversary, Bay-Bee!

Because you know, given my sliiiiiiiiight predilection for pure pedal power, pretty much the last thing I’d promote in any way, shape, or form is some sort of goddam after-market internal combustion powerplant that can somehow be mounted to a perfectly good bicycle so that not only does it consume fossil fuels and emit noxious emissions, but it probably pollutes the air with something that sounds eerily like a lawn mower.

In short, I appreciate Google bringing BikeBerry.com to my attention as the LAST place on the world wide inturnip I’ll ever go shopping.

Clearly I’m also not someone with a lack of time on my hands, because rarely do I see my fellow LA bloggers commenting elsewhere with the enthusiasm and frequency that I do. They all apparently have lives, and priorities and self-restraint and generally better things to do than run around sharing the comment love (or hate, as the case may be).

Anyway, I got called out for over-commenting by one of them anonymice the other day over on The Eastsider LA blog, a relatively new tenant to the LA blogominiumplexosphere that I  drop by to check out a couple/three times a day to see what’s new and up. It’s become a great resource for things happening in my area (even if we might differ in our constitutions of “east side”).

My comment came in response to a post about a woman walking her leashed dog who was assaulted by an unleashed dog owner in Elysian Park. Feeling threatened by the loose and aggressive animal she ended up tossing a rock at it in frustration and, well, the loose dog’s owner — another woman — went ballistic, slapping her and threatening her.

The unfortunate incident reminded me of a similar one I experienced when an off-leash dog charged us about 15 years ago, while my then 5-year-old daughter and I were walking Shadow out in front of the apartment building I lived in at the time on Burbank Boulevard in Encino. Without going into all the boring details I wound up protecting my kid and my dog, which resulted in me unfortunately injuring the  loose animal and then dealing with its almost equally aggressive owner who came running up the street angry that I dared defend against his free-ranging beast.

Silly me I nutshelled that story in a comment to that Elysian Park assault post, offering it not so much as study in what a badass I am, but instead as a tutorial to the benefits of leashing up your dog, since sometimes it’s the off-leashed animal that suffers the worst of the deal:

A short while later I found a couple shadow-dwelling keyboard peckerheads taking potshots at me:

In my responses, I  tried to be good-naturedly snarky — especially about the “ish” talking. Then the next day I find more asshattedness:

Now, I’m not one to trouble with trolls or be troubled much by them — in fact whereas conventional wisdom dictates igonoring the bastards, I can rightfully be accused of overfeeding them because I find it fun to keep coming back with semi-considerate replies at them and their goadings until they eventually realize they can’t win against me and give up lamely trying.

But I think what the third one (or maybe it’s the same jackass, for all I know) wrote carries with it a kernel of truth:

“He’s like bed bugs but for comments… everywhere and impossible to get rid of.”

How ironic that such hyperbole would come from a representative of the ultimate in deathless internet pest, but nevertheless I think I agree.

And so I’m going to stop, or at least give stopping a try. Sort of. From now on, if I find a post on a blog I frequent — be it a personal one, an “east side” one or one of the larger group/topical/regional blogs I haunt, instead of flailing my fingertips across my keyboard over there and giving pieces of my mind away free, I’ll consider if its worthwhile tapping out my thoughts over here and linking across to it.

While such a drastic scale-back in interaction could be seen as a troll victory, I see it more as bringing the little satellites I launch to a place in-house, where any uninvited chickenshits might think twice before bitchslapping at me, or at least understand that in doing so greater scrutiny can be focused on their reduced anonymity, and far less patience.

Trouble is I was totally blanking on what an Amazon Prime Membership is or that I had even signed up for it. Or that it was costing me money! So I logged on and sure enough I discovered that I’ve been a prime member since 2007, paying $79 a year for the privilege of getting free 2-day shipping and reduced overnight shipping on “millions of items!”

That would be megasuper awesome if I were buying “millions of items,” but looking back at my order histories over these last couple years (19 total)  I’m an occasional  Amazonian at best. I’m not going to do the math, but it’s highly doubtful if my membership paid for itself — or even broke even.

So  I’m left primarily wondering what possessed me to sign up for this program. Certainly I know an under-the-radar “auto renewal” kept it alive in 2008 — and would have done so this year had some bastards not hijacked my account a couple months ago, forcing its untimely demise.

So I guess I have them to thank because otherwise it wouldn’t have been brought to my attention that I was paying Amazon something for nothing.