I’ll spare you any photographic evidence and just say that the new set of Wolfgang Puck knives that Susan bought recently are REALLY sharp. I know this firsthand… or rather first finger. Thumb, actually. The right one.

I was chopping up some veggies for my morning breakfast scramble: mushrooms, peppers and spinach and I decided to add some butternut squash to the mix. So I lop off a few slices and trim the hard outer part off and I’m left with this two-inch-thick stack of hexagonally shaped squash meat… or whatever it’s called.

Now, it’s not like I just brainfarted and put the tip of my thumb in the downward path of the knife as I cut through the stack. If there must be negligence identified it’s the fact that I was dicing up the stack rather than the indivicual slices. See the trouble is like most things in life (such as water, rightwing nutjobs and writers of crap films like Wedding Crashers) the path of least resistance is the one taken, and even though I was doing my damnedest to cut straight down through the layers, the knife encountered a certain section of one of the slices that was a bit more dense and thanks to the force I was providing it angled out a bit in search of an easier way through, which in turn disrupted the stack’s structural integrity causing it to collapse and thus provide the shortest distance for the knife to travel in order to carve itself into a beefy portion of my thumb’s tip.

I’m talking a veritable filet.

So sharp was the utensil and so quickly did it cut into my digit that I didn’t realize it immediately. In fact, I belief I had the time to fully formulate the following thought…

Oh no you did NOT!?

…before realizing indeed I had and throwing everything into reverse in order to extricate the weapon.

Gah! But did the sucker bleed. I immediately thrust it under cold running water for as long as I could stand the flow battering the still-attached flap of thumb tip and then I squeezed it in a swath of paper towels and ran to the bathroom where I poured some hydrogen peroxide into a cup and dunked the sucker deep before applying pressure to the wound until the blood slowed enoughthat I was awkwardly able to apply a generous helping of Neosporin then blanket it deep in sterile gauze before wrapping the thing up tight in first-aid tape.

As it bled through I had to apply additional layers of guaze battened down with more tape, but eventually it stopped and now here I am telling you all about it with a thumb bandage that looks almost as funny as the irony that this wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been eating so healthy. Or had a job.

FUCK!

I soooooo look forward to removing the bandages and getting my first good look at the carnage but at some point I’ll have to. I’ll even have to trim the flap off eventually. Until then all as good as can be expected.