Sat 17 Jun 2006
The following conversation took place between 1631 and 1633 hours in my imagination:
Dispatcher: Parking Enforcement Dispatch, Officer No. 463, How may I help you?
Me: Yes, there’s a vehicle partially blocking my driveway.
Dispatcher: And what is your address?
Me: 840 North—.
Dispatcher: Is this Will?
Me: Uh, yes… how did you know?
Dispatcher: I thought I recognized your voice!
Me: You did?
Dispatcher: Sure! You’re practically legendary around here.
Me: I am?
Dispatcher: Oh, absolutely, buddy! Your call recordings get replayed here over and over. You know how many tickets you’ve generated?
Me: Well… not really, but I pre—.
Dispatcher: Hang on, lemme check.
Me: I prefer to look at it not as my fault but the fault of those who park like idiots in front of my garage.
Dispatcher: Yeah, I’m here. Sorry ’bout that. Had to access another terminal. We’re talking 15 citations — not counting today’s.
Me: Wow! That many?
Dispatcher: Yeah, and that’s not including the four that got away. We love you here man. You’re our hero.
Me: OK, that’s weird.
Dispatcher: You don’t mess around, man. Someone’s blocking your driveway you nail ’em. No mercy!
Me: That’s true. I have a low-threshold for inconsideration.
Dispatcher: Other people are much more easy-going or get wishy washy or worried about payback or just being seen as a jackass, but not you man. So after the tenth cite we cross-checked your address in our database to find out who you were.
Me: Now you’re scaring me.
Dispatcher: Not snooping, nah. Just curious.
Me: Fine… anyway about this car block—.
Dispatcher: So some of us are wondering here…
Dispatcher: You know… why it might be that you don’t go in for the kill.
Me: The kill?
Dispatcher: Yeah, the hook-up.
Me: The what?
Dispatcher: Come on, maaaan: the tow!
Dispatcher: Yeah! What gives man? Why always go for the ticket instead of dropping the truck on these jerks?
Me: Well, I did request a tow that one time.
Dispatcher: Yeah, after the guy in that Volvo wagon blocked your driveway for three freakin’ days in a row! What took ya so long?
Me: Guess I don’t have what it takes.
Me: Excuse me?
Dispatcher: Just playin’ with ya, man. No offense meant. It’s just that a lot of us over here consider you one of us. Kind of an honorary PEO.
Me: Parking Enforcement Officer?
Dispatcher: You pick up quick! We even have a nickname for you: The Enforcer.
Me: Nice. Now do you think you can enforce yourself to send an officer out here to commemorate and capitalize on the the craptastical parking job of this silver Honda sedan?
Dispatcher: Ha! Good one. Should I send a truck maybe?
Me: Maybe if it’s still there tomorrow.
Me: Watch it!
Epilogue: This Honda ended up receiving two citations. The first was Thursday evening. When I discovered it blocking the driveway I was on my way to a bike ride and didn’t phone in the initial citation request until I returned more than two hours later and found the car still there. Then almost a full day later on Friday afternoon when I saw that the first ticket had been removed from the vehicle’s windshield but the vehicle was still in the exact same position (despite there being room to move forward several feet) I snapped these phonecam pix and called in another request. An officer was sent and a second ticket was issued. The obstructive vehicle was moved shortly thereafter.