Divorcing Mr. Coffee

Argh! I bought a Mr. Coffee FT Series coffeemaker in July at Costco after our Gevalia maker finally kicked the basket after three long years. In that quarter year with Mr. Coffee, I have gone through three decanters… the third one breaking this morning while cleaning it. With a sponge. Crrrrrack! Fuck!!

Of course in full Hulk Mad mode I lifted the coffeemaker over my head to smash it into 24 pieces glorious on the floor and then the lightbulb went off and I carefully put the unit down in its proper upright position and whipped off an ultimatum letter to Mr. Coffee’s customer service:

In the three short months since purchasing your FT Series coffeemaker, I have broken three decanters. I admit to breaking them. I’m not going to lie and say they just shattered on their own. But I am not a violent man, nor am I inordinately clumsy. I’m basically just a guy who likes a clean coffeepot. And so it’s been that as a result of these cleanings with either a sponge or a scrub brush while exerting no undue force or stress, I have ultimately had to discard the shattered remains of three of your decidedly fragile decanters.

The first one cracked within the first week of ownership. The second one several weeks later. The third – and most longest lasting – disintegrated this morning. At this point I have spent more on cheap glass for your coffeemaker than I did for the coffeemaker. Is this right? No, it’s not. In comparison, prior to purchasing your product this summer I had a Gevalia coffeemaker for about three years – with the same sturdy glass decanter. Go figure.

So here’s the deal: You’re either going to send me a replacement decanter free of charge or I’m going to take a hammer to my useless FT Series coffeemaker, pitch it into the trash and then go to the nearest retailer and buy a competing coffeemaker and I’ll never ever ever purcahse anything made by Mr. Coffee ever again.

I’ll be surprised to hear from them, much less get a new decanter (which would undoubtedly break almost immediately). But I’ll let you know if anything develops.