You might recall past blog posts of mine regarding driveway blockers and how I deal with them. Most get a page-long letter scolding them for their inconsideration. Some get cited, and the occasional superfail gets his or her car’s ass towed to the nearest impound yard.

Well, thanks to the internet, I have found a far more concise version to that correspondence option, courtesy a 1974 answer from Cleveland Stadium to a Browns fan and season ticket holder who wrote to complain about the frustrations forged by his fellow fans who deigned to fly paper airplanes during games:

Gentlemen:

I am one of your season ticket holders who attends or tries to attend every game. It appears one of the pastimes of several fans has become the sailing of paper airplanes generally made out of the game program. As you know, there is the risk of serious eye injury and perhaps an ear injury as a result of such airplanes. I am sure that this has been called to your attention and that several of your ushers and policemen witnessed the same.

Please be advised that since you are in a position to control or terminate such action on the part of fans, I will hold you responsible for any injury sustained by any person in my party attending one of your sporting events. It is hoped that this disrespectful and possibly dangerous activity will be terminated.

Very truly yours,
Roetzel & Andress
By Dale O. Cox

The hilarious response below is just about the best worst example of customer consideration I’ve ever encountered… but then again, in hindsight it’s somewhat par for the course given the giant fah-kyoo the Browns gave the entire city of Cleveland in relocating to Baltimore as the Ravens in 1996 (click it for a larger version):

And of course in my own twisted mind, I readily adapted such matter-of-factness to possibly pertain to the next person who flagrantly impedes our driveway ingress/egress:

Dear [Make] [Model]:

In case the tow truck gets here before you can leave, I felt you should be aware that some asshole is parking you like it’s OK to block me.

Very truly yours,
The Garage

Think of the amount of printer ink I’ll save!