humor


Every day:

Apologies for the entirely nonintuitive focus of my dang iPhone. it finally sharpens up the last 10 seconds or so.

I’ve been one to watch in a certain shocked awe at the ongoings going on in Charlie Sheen’s world, but not one to point-and-laugh these last few days, unless the escapades he delivers are truly funny — and this is seriously full of hilarious winning. Bravo, Charlie:

You might recall past blog posts of mine regarding driveway blockers and how I deal with them. Most get a page-long letter scolding them for their inconsideration. Some get cited, and the occasional superfail gets his or her car’s ass towed to the nearest impound yard.

Well, thanks to the internet, I have found a far more concise version to that correspondence option, courtesy a 1974 answer from Cleveland Stadium to a Browns fan and season ticket holder who wrote to complain about the frustrations forged by his fellow fans who deigned to fly paper airplanes during games:

Gentlemen:

I am one of your season ticket holders who attends or tries to attend every game. It appears one of the pastimes of several fans has become the sailing of paper airplanes generally made out of the game program. As you know, there is the risk of serious eye injury and perhaps an ear injury as a result of such airplanes. I am sure that this has been called to your attention and that several of your ushers and policemen witnessed the same.

Please be advised that since you are in a position to control or terminate such action on the part of fans, I will hold you responsible for any injury sustained by any person in my party attending one of your sporting events. It is hoped that this disrespectful and possibly dangerous activity will be terminated.

Very truly yours,
Roetzel & Andress
By Dale O. Cox

The hilarious response below is just about the best worst example of customer consideration I’ve ever encountered… but then again, in hindsight it’s somewhat par for the course given the giant fah-kyoo the Browns gave the entire city of Cleveland in relocating to Baltimore as the Ravens in 1996 (click it for a larger version):

And of course in my own twisted mind, I readily adapted such matter-of-factness to possibly pertain to the next person who flagrantly impedes our driveway ingress/egress:

Dear [Make] [Model]:

In case the tow truck gets here before you can leave, I felt you should be aware that some asshole is parking you like it’s OK to block me.

Very truly yours,
The Garage

Think of the amount of printer ink I’ll save!

After setting my reading specs down on the table beside my chair in the livingroom last night, I chanced to glance how I’d serendipitously placed them upon the current copy of Smithsonian magazine and it gave me a chuckle as I grabbed for my cam to capture it (click it for the bigger picture):

I was taking a break on the serene L.A. River Bikeway just north of the Hyperion Viaduct in Atwater Village during today’s afternoon bike ride, admiring an egret and a great blue heron side by side waiting for their respective next meals to swim by.

All of a sudden moving noisily upstream, the biggest bug I’ve ever seen shot out from under the bridge, and I just had time to flip my cam to video mode and capture the anomaly. Check it out for yourself (but do please excuse the semi-maniacal laughter that issues forth from my amazed self):

By the time I pedaled south of the bridge the water bug was gone, leaving a telltale trail of the wet stuff up the east bank where no doubt it retreated to the streets via the entrance to Red Car Park. I’ve seen some preeeeetty strange things in the river, but this just about takes the prize.

Let this be a lesson to you folks: never go anywhere without a camera.

As one of them perportedully perfeshunal editor types, I’m at risk of being on the receiving end of a wiiiiide variety of press releases — most of them unrelated to my publication.

Some of them are not only unrelated but flat-out kooky. Case in point, this one just landed in my inbox and I’m helpless to keep it to myself:

Subject: News Conf/L.A. Press Club/Oct 8/Chocolate Strawberries 4 U

(Los Angeles)  Center of The Golden One will hold a major news conference at the LA Press Club in Los Angeles on October 8,2010 at 11:00am.

At this special news conference on October 8, Kendra Gamble, great-great-granddaughter of one of the founders of Procter & Gamble will unveil”The Announcement,” which will lead up to an online and print media event on 10-10-10.

The event called “The Announcement” will feature a presentation by Ms. Gamble and Rachael Wilder, Press Secretary for Center of The Golden One.

“The Announcement” is potentially the most significant event in modern history and may ultimately affect the lives of millions of people throughout the world.  In preparing to make “The Announcement,” Ms. Gamble has already been heard by over a million people in her print and radio interview.

“There are many names for God.  There are many paths to God.  But there is only one God,” said Ms. Gamble, “For history’s sake and the sake of peopleeverywhere, come hear ‘The Announcement.’”

Refreshments will be served.

Where to begin LOLing:

  • The “Chocolate Strawberries 4 U” in the subject line
  • Center of the Golden One
  • Great-great granddaughter to a Procter & Gamble founder
  • The “LA Press Club in Los Angeles” redundancy
  • 10-10-10 tie-in
  • The total lack of imaginative flair in simply calling such a to-be-monumental event “The Announcement” instead of perhaps “The Really Big Announcement” or “The Miss This And Be Damned Announcement”
  • Bonus points for repeating “The Announcment” four times
  • Ms. Gamble heard by more than (say it emphatically, Austin Powers-style) ONE MIIIIIILLION people
  • Ms.Gamble’s urgent plea to the world for the sake of the world to come to the announcement of The Announcement… nevermind that it’s a “news conference,” which by design doesn’t require the whole world to be present
  • Ending with “Refreshments will be served.”

I’m almost tempted to go to this.

Yesterday at lunch I let Buster out of her hutch for a little backyard R&R (Roam & Recon), and apparently tortoises trigger some sort of allergic reaction in Ranger — located about the head and neck.

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